He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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