I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
