new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
