Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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