you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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