New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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