Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
