Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
