Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
