Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
