Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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