Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
