I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
