I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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