I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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