I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
