she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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