my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
