dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
