He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
