dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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