Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
