her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
