I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The beers last night were like the tears from god
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
