If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
