Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
