You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
