Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
