So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
