I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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