True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
