I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
