I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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