Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
