I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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