I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
