That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize
