Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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