She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
