Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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