Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
