Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
