oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
