I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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