Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I had to cum in my sink.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
