I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Randomize
