I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
