Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Congratulations! We have a period
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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