I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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