a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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