She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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