dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
